When does bad parenting become something more?

OK. First before anyone reads one word beyond this opening statement let it be known: I am mother above all other things that I am. It is my sworn duty to protect the children that God has entrusted to me to raise. Children are the most precious and vulnerable of all God's creations. They are the also the ones that are the most taken for granted, neglected, and abused of all the groups of people on this earth.  I am about to vent about a situation that I feel helpless in, but I am torn. I cannot see clearly the answer to: "Is this bad parenting, or something much more?"

There was a little boy born four years ago to a woman who did not want him, but could not let him go. When he stirred as a newborn in the middle of the night, she left his cries unanswered. Never did she wake to tend to the sweet and tender needs of the sweet little boy. There has been time and time again when he was placed in harms way. She left him locked in a car unattended when he was a baby. I screamed at her - but she said, he wasn't hurt, what's the big deal, afterall "she was just a couple hundred yards away." He was not hurt that time.

Then there was the time when she left late and was speeding to get to her destination, not paying attention to the road and oblivious to the infant in the back seat when she plowed into the back of another car. Totalling both her vehicle and others. But that wasn't her fault she said. He was not hurt that time. It would not be the last time she would crash her car with him in it. It has never been her fault and he has not been hurt. So what's the big deal?

There was a little baby boy that grew into a toddler. One day he was playing outside his mother's car while she sat inside the car. He wanted to climb in to be by mommy. But she shoved him back and then slammed the door. She failed to check to make sure he was a safe distance away and his hand was in the way. She slammed the door with such force that she broke his hand. But it was just an accident. She didn't mean to. He was hurt that time, but it was not on purpose. Accidents happen she said.

Then there was the time he got sick and he wasn't getting well. Days and weeks went by and he was still sick. Then we discovered she wasn't giving the medications he was prescribed. He was tested for asthma and allergies and has both in spades. He has a compromised uper respitory system the doctor said - so of course it makes perfect sense that it is not one but two cats she would buy.

Then there is the common occurence of his mother dosing herself with Nyquil to sleep. She sleeps peacefully and doesn't hear a peep. Not even the sound of her little boy opening the door and leaving the apartment at night. But he was not hurt that time either, he was brought back. It was just a mistake. The door she forgot to latch.

Then this newest straw lands on the camels back. It is beyond understanding, or at least my comprehension this thing I am about to mention. This four year old little boy, was taken to dentist with gramma. The dentist took a peek and was concerned with what he saw. So he ordered x-rays and in his tiny little mouth 9 cavities he saw. The dentist said this was more than just not brushing, he said it is due to poor nutrition. But his mother brushed it off and said, I have to get better at making him brush his teeth everyday, I'm not good at that myself." My blood was boiling and I asked, "Is that it? Then she quipped, "well the diet thing too, I'll work on it."

But what does all this add up to? Is it all just bad parenting? How far does it need to go? She takes him out in the dead of winter with no coat, while she is bundled up. She forgets to feed him and lets him just fend for himself. She races him to the ER whenever he has a cold even though we tell her that the ER is not a clinic if he is sick take him to his doctor. But she likes the attention of the being able to say "I have a special needs, sick boy with a heart condition." Yet she fails to provide an environment that is conducive to his respitory problems, doesn't give him is daily medications, takes him out into the cold not properly dressed. But she files for FMLA so that she gets extra benefits.

That is not all of the accidents, the I forgots, the bad choices the failures to parent it is just a sampling of things that she has done, or failed to do where he suffered the consequence. I cannot stand anymore. She should not have this child to raise. I used to say I would gladly take him in, but how do you take a child in when his mother will not do the right thing and let him go?

Plus in the eyes of the law, has she done anything so horrible? Is she really nothing more than a horribly selfish and lazy parent that is doing a piss poor job of raising a child? Can we take a little boy away from someone that is simply an idiot?

What does all this add up to? Is it bad parenting or is it neglect? How much more time do we risk saying nothing and doing nothing? How big does the accident have to be before we say she's unfit?

Salty Cougar

I am more than a bit cranky this week. There is no particular reason for my irritability either. Nope I am just salty. Sure there are contributing factors. I will say no more - lest I risk going from irritable to downright pissy. But truth be told all my little contributing crabby factors are really pretty little problems that would not exist if I wasn't blessed with such an amazing life.  So it just seems wrong to even say them out loud. Plus it would make me sound pathetic.
 

What I will say is that one thing that is adding to my bad mood that is legitimate is that I have an intense craving for a cigarette at least 60% of my waking hours. I quit years ago! But here I am jonesin’ for a cancer stick. You remember my encounter with the sign holder the last time I tried to buy a pack? Well in case you forgot click here: http://katberggren.blogspot.com/2011/09/i-miss-smoking.html. Needless to say, I’m not about to try that again.

But really, what the hell Verdell?  I am salty enough to cure a 100 pound ham right now!

One thing that isn't helping is my little one is getting ready for her first reconciliation this weekend. Therefore, I see a confessional in my future. (At our parish – one goes and the whole family has to go too.) Honestly I think that might be causing me some angst and adding to my less than sunny demeanor. In general I dislike having to admit my failures. Having to sit face to face with a priest and vocalize my sins makes my stomach turn. I do my best to be a good person, but I am not a saint and I make mistakes.

The biggest little issue though is that I am getting old. Hence the cougar reference. I am trying desperately to maintain, but each year it is getting harder and harder. Being surrounded by hundreds of 18-22 year old co-eds every single day is not good for my ego. I see girls walking through the halls with their tight little 20 something bodies, their bright eyes and shiny hair and then I catch my reflection in the sky way windows and I think – “who is that old lady?” I may act like a college kid at any given Redbull sponsored event, but it is getting increasingly difficult for me to blend with the college crowd. I recently found another gray hair and I bought a new scale that swears at me worse than my old car radio used to do. (Yes the Vibe had quite a little potty mouth on her before she was reprogrammed.) The scale flashes bold black digital numbers at me that I am having a difficult time accepting. Remember that my old scale had black fingernail polish so that I could not see the offensive specific number I just knew that it was within a range that I agreed to accept. This scale does not know how my scale rules work and mocks me going up and down, up and down.

This is of course the exact time when we would be invited to go to a water park with two other families. It would be so much fun for us all to go together. I love them dearly. HOWEVER…the other wives are not having the struggles I am one works out regularly – and you can tell, the other is thin and young. Blechkt! That means I am going to be forced to work out, dye my hair again and stop eating so many grapes and grains. So you have been warned. I am salty and the chances of this improving soon rely on the speed upon which I can drop 15 lbs and become a blond.

Calculations

Good and worthy things take time to bring into reality. It takes commitment and diligent work until our work reaches a point of fruition. In the interim we are forced to make choices and sacrifices all in the hopes that when we reach our goals it will be worth all which we gave up along the way. We believe that what we will gain by the accomplishment will far exceed anything that we might have lost.

It equates to being little more than a game of chance. A highly calculated risk may be a better way to describe it, however the reality is in some cases it is just a matter of chance that everything we are trying to bring to life works out the way we plan. Since math has never really been my strong suit it worries me just a bit that my calculations could be off.

I am investing a huge amount of time, capital not to mention lost opportunity cost. However truth be told, there is a part of me that still hasn't fully decided what I want to be when I grow up. Plus I am pretty darn content with where I am at in life right now. So that struggle to get somewhere else is somewhat lackluster on my part. Never the less, I must also admit I am bored to near death right now. My classes are relatively easy (shhhhh don't tell anyone I said that), my kids are happy and healthy, my husband is my best friend (and not tough to look at either), my friends are the best in the world, and there is money in the bank. Sooo why on earth am I trying to make anything more difficult.

What if my numbers are off. It could mean that I have made this investment to get someplace that I don't really want to be. Is it worth the risk?

It's still a long way MLK

Recently someone whom I considered a good friend spoke in a manner that shocked me. Her words fell like bricks against my eardrums and I was deeply offended. Yup that's right - I was OFFENDED. Do you know how far out of line you need to be to say or do something that I find offensive? I tried to listen to find out where her ignorant and hurtful words had been rooted. However, I was so distracted by her foul and repugnant statements that I lost any capacity to draw any deeper into the conversation. It has changed the way I see this person and I suddenly feel compelled to create distance between us. I fear that if I don't that she may spew her ignorant words in the company of someone else and they may make the horrendous assumption that I share her view.

 

But was it really that big of a deal? After all I have other friends that do and say stupid things all the time and it doesn't upset me like this did. So I sat there scratching my head trying to figure out what was upsetting me. Her statements were racist rounded out with a discriminatory perspective of people who hang on a rung lower than her on the socioeconomic ladder of life. Blechkt! Shut up! Shut up! In my head I screamed at her to shut up, pull her head out or her ass and see that in this world we live in there are people, good people, that are different than we are. Being poor isn't contagious and just because you are black doesn't mean that you come from a broken home or are in a gang. However I resisted saying anything close to that, and instead I let it simmer while I stewed over it. THAT was the worst thing for me to do. Because now I see this person, whom I believed to be a friend as an elitist and a racist.

 

Who describes a friend with such words?

 

Well now what do I do?

 

Mostly nothing.

 

OK stop choking. I know that normally I would endeavor into battle and beat it into oblivion. I would spiral into wordy rants and pontificate on the injustices that exist because of her and people like her. Oh normally I would go on and on and on. But for what purpose? The one and only thing I can do is take the opportunity to educate her when the moment is right. However that moment when she said those things was not the right time. I quietly, yet firmly stated why I saw what she feared as something to be embraced.

 

I left it at that and said nothing more about it. In the meantime I will continue to teach my daughters that each and every person on this earth regardless of the color of our skin or the amount of money in our pockets, all begin life in the same way and all end life the same way.

 

We are born. We are human. We live. We die.

 

We must never do unto others that which we would not do to ourselves.

 

MLK we still have a long way to go. 

Remember when...

Do you remember when you used to be spontaneous? Back when you were given the opportunity to just be able to do whatever you wanted that you leaped at the chance. Remember how much fun it was? There seems to be something inside me lately that is desperate to rekindle some of that energy, Oh I just bet it would be awesome! It seems like it was such a long time ago since the last time we did anything crazy or spontaneous.

 

Like the time we decided to go cliff diving.

 

 

WEEE!!! Splash! Ignore that a couple of us got caught in the river current and tangled up in some fishing lines. Ignore that they would need to be rescued by a boater. Instead focus on the memory of camping and swimming and all the fun we had. Ahh to be 18 again...

Or the time we decided to go skinny dipping.

 

 

 Sneak, sneak, sneak into the water we all went. Ignore that once in the water we looked back to the beach and by the light of the moonlight discovered there were people on the beach. Ignore that we were now forced to waltz out of the water buck naked and soaking wet right in front of them to fetch our clothes. Instead focus on the fun we had that hot summer night and be thankful it wasn't a cop sitting there. Ahhh to be in our twenties again...

 

Or the time we decided to go snowmobiling through the park in the middle of the night.

 

 

Varoom! Zoom across the fields through the freshly fallen snow. Ignore that one of us had never driven a snowmobile before. Ignore that it was dark and we couldn't see very well. Instead focus on the memory of being hurled through the air and safely landing in the snow with no damage to the machine or our bones. Ahhh the nonsense of thirty somethings.

 

 

I think it might be time to off the cob webs and get out and do something fun! Perhaps, sneak past the Redbull security and scamper up the scaffolding and hurl myself down the Crashed Ice course this weekend.

 

Well it's a thought. Probably not a good idea, but we'll find out Saturday night. ;o)

 

Handle with care.

I drove in to work this morning and my mind was a million other places than on the road ahead of me. This is not unusual but today I was so distracted that I jolted back to the drive, twice, as I realized that red tail lights mean stop a little later than I was comfortable with. The weekend had been so perfect. It was filled with friends and happy kids and a morning of sipping champagne at breakfast simply because it was a lovely Saturday. Sunday was quiet and I surprised to a husband that arrived home early from his fishing trip. I fell asleep content with my head on his shoulder.

This morning on the drive to work I thought about Zach, the little 8 year old buy that desperately needs a new kidney. I thought about his mom and the terrifying reality she lives with, knowing her son cannot survive forever without a new kidney. Then I started thinking about Jack, the Benilde hockey player. I thought about his parents and his friends and how dramatically his life has been changed. It is all so difficult to understand.

My mind wandered back and forth through all the sad things I have been hearing about lately. Right now, I am the lucky one. The blessings all around me are abundant and visible. I can touch them, hug them and I am comforted by them. Yet I know that this life I am living is fragile and needs to be handled with great care.

When I arrived at work I looked at the calendar and all the things that are scheduled. There are so many things on there. Are they all important? Yes, to someone they are. But are all the important things on the calendar? No, they are not. We need to step back and see there are some things that will need to be missed. There are things that need to be added where there is not time. We need to take care to be present for the things and people that are most important. We need to do that first. Then we can work to fit in all the rest with whatever time is left.

 

Life is fragile, handle it with care.

Fall la la la ha ha ha...

Each year Adam and I [well mostly I] rack our brains trying to come up with a Christmas gift for the girls that they will go nuts over. When they were littler this was relatively easy. However now that they are older and have discovered things like Nooks, iPods, Wii's and all other electronic things it has become increasingly more difficult to find a gift that is awesomely cool that does not need batteries or plug into something. You see I have a rule that gifts should require a kid to use more than just their thumbs to operate. I'll leave all the techy gifts to their grandparents to supply, as for me, my gifts will continue to be fun, and hopefully tire the kiddies out. But this year I was stumped.

I thought and thought and thought....

And then finally I had an idea!

 It was brilliant! I pictured how excited the girls would be.

So I raced off to the store to pick it up.

But when I got there all that was waiting for me was a giant and heavy box.

No worries, Adam will help me get this loaded into the house right after the Christmas eve party...[you know, the party where I was the DD.]

The box was heavier than I remembered and Adam was a little happier than I planned for and then there was that little step...

YUP! You guessed it. I tripped and fell backwards. But the problem was...

It was a really heavy box and Adam couldn't hold it alone, so...

Naturally the box landed right on top of me. Adam was all full of help. Welll right after he finished laughing his butt off...

He picked it up and we got it into the house. And a short time later.

The kids woke up and found this...

They were so excited, until they opened it up and found this...

Once they realized it was not just a giant brown box and that it was really  a GIANT [and HEAVY] trampoline they were both dancing with excitement!

Next year I think I'm going to get something smaller, like a puppy.